Birthday Message #1 - The Power of Appreciation

-- By Arulnambi K.

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My father, Dr. K. V. Kaliappan, would have turned 73 on the 20th of this August. On this occasion of contemplation and recollection of his rich and full life, I mull over many of his memories, words, thoughts and deeds. Three of his messages stand out. He spoke to me often about each of these messages, and never failed to bring up at least one of them whenever he had a chance - during his counseling sessions, conversations with friends and family, and in public meetings when he was addressing many other people.

The first message is a big one and directed at parents, most of all. Here is a quote from one of my father's emails:

Give adequacy - You have to watch your child's talents and appreciate/reward/compliment so that he/she develops adequacy, which leads to self-confidence and self-esteem. Indian culture is very poor in this and many Indians never fully appreciate others, especially family members. Creative compliments have to be created and used appropriately in front of others. This is a learning process and we have to be near perfection.

My father stressed that the act of appreciating someone should not be reflexive and generic ("Good job", "Awesome", "Great"), but rather, it should be done with specific, targeted praise and compliments, and ideally done in the presence of others. This makes the appreciation more genuine, shows that you cared enough to notice the specifics of what you are appreciating, and heightens the good feeling of being recognized positively in front of others. He said that all humans crave appreciation and that the right appreciation, given at the right time and place, would have the best effect on a person's self-esteem and confidence.

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Here is an example of how he practiced what he preached about appreciation. My father marked the occasion of my mother entering her 60th year by having the following published in the newspapers. He wanted to set a high bar for appreciating one's own family, especially one's spouse and life partner, and also wanted to highlight to the world what a wonderful woman my mother was. He felt that women are not fully appreciated for all that they do for their families, even in a family-centric culture like India's. 

English Translation:
O Womanhood, O Motherhood - Long may you live.
Your life is a penance. Our penance is you.
Ethics, love, sacrifice, conduct, parenting, teaching, cooking, spirituality - your mark has been made in all of these. It is because of women like you that the Indian family is eminent in this world.

[Click on picture to enlarge]

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Another example is the following email that he sent me on my birthday in 2013. On their birthdays, I had taken to sending my parents some sort of greeting card that I made myself, with my own message and often including pictures of my family. Here, he appreciates the creativity he saw in those greetings, with very specific examples, and chose the occasion of my own birthday to pay this targeted and specific compliment and give me a big jolt of good feeling that an ordinary birthday greeting would not have been able to convey.

Dear Kannu, Aug 1st is a landmark day in our life. Since morning, your mother is totally engrossed in thinking about you only. Motherhood is adorable and men are denied this.

On this occasion, our minds go to your creativity. On our birthdays, you sent highly creative greeting cards, which we have preserved.  

13-1-2012 - you and your Amma have very good memory - your greeting was:

"This day, we celebrate 
A mother who remembers vividly 
The first steps and the first words 
And everything since 
And whose love only gets stronger with time." 

Our grandson Adhi's photo is on the first page.

Your calendar gift with all our family members' photos, birthdays with individual photos, beautiful flowers and scenery is kept in our room and we use the beautiful flowers for relaxation.

Your greetings with our two grandsons within a bubble, and so many others - we love them and often feel happy about your creativity.

We greet you with immense happiness for a long, productive and happy life.

Appa and Amma 

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Appa would say that he always told everyone that his sons were better than him in every way. This was the ultimate appreciation, but really, he was being very generous and modest. We can only aspire to be like him in so many aspects.

[If you have received appreciation in your life that made a big impact on you, we invite you to share them by submitting a comment through the comment form below. Be sure to use this website's comment system so that people who are not on social networks like Facebook can also read your comments.]